When will this get easier? I asked myself that question many times on my trail run today at Bolsa Chica. It was beautiful there like always, but warm and windy. The trail was pretty much deserted so I could enjoy some peace and quiet, which is optimal for an exercise in introspection.
Bolsa Chica Trail Run- October 31, 2018
I ran for about a quarter of a mile before stopping to look at the beauty before me. I could pretend that it was said beauty that captured me, forcing me to pause, but I would be lying. I stopped, because I honestly didn’t feel like running. What’s wrong with me?? I ran for another quarter mile. Nope, I didn’t want to continue.
It’s funny, because I started this blog, thinking – no, believing- that I wanted to motivate others to take up running. Today I had a new chain of thought. Maybe the person I needed to inspire most was me.
I have been running for a while. I remember being so proud of myself in high school for running a 7:40 minute mile. As such, I decided to try out for the cross-country team. However, on the day of the tryouts, I couldn’t do it. I was so afraid of rejection that I couldn’t even show up. Self-doubt is our worst enemy. I made up some story to my mom about being sick and that was the end of my running dream in high school. It wasn’t until the year 2001 after I graduated Cal State University Long Beach (CSULB) that I contemplated putting on my running shoes again.
I bring up self-doubt, because that is what I’ve been feeling lately. Will I be ready to run another 50k, let alone 50 miler next year??? So maybe I unconsciously started this blog as a way to motivate myself to return to the activity I love. I stopped running when I injured my back and was studying on a daily basis. Science was never my forte, so I had to work hard to get the A’s in anatomy, physiology, chemistry, microbiology, and pharmacology that would help me get in to nursing school. And then came nursing school itself. Working 40 hours a week while going to nursing school left me little time to workout. It barely left me any sanity! I survived, though, and graduated, albeit 20 pounds heavier and barely able to walk a mile.
Now 5 years later, I find myself in a similar situation. I have less than 2 months of grad school left and I am now 20 pounds heavier again and though I can run more than 1 mile now, it is proving to be more difficult than I thought it would be. Inconsistent training has really affected me, negatively. I find myself stopping too much. I just need to remember that it took time to get to where I was in 2015 and 2016. It took a lot of dedication and diligent, consistent training. Therefore, it will take time again to run like I used to, but hopefully less so. I’m relying on muscle memory and my blog to help me on my journey towards American River 50 miler.
In case you are wondering, I did finish my 4- mile trail run today. And, yes, I made a lot of stops along the way, but I didn’t give up and walk. I finished.
I have 8 more weeks left of grad school. I finally finished the required 500 clinical hours that left me with little time to train for anything, let alone just exercise. Lack of physical activity means more to me than just loss of training, though. It means that I have lost much of my stress release, which is crucial for a nurse.
Nursing is a stressful career, because nurses deal with the lives of people on an everyday basis. The care we provide affects us and our patients on a physical, emotional, and, many times, spiritual level. Yes, it is rewarding in so many ways, but that doesn’t prevent the stress from creeping in and gnawing at our psyche. And while exercise does not prevent the anxiety and stress I feel during my shift, it does help me get a grip on it. Physical activity helps with resiliency. It makes me hardier; therefore, not being able to exercise caused me additional stress on top of removing some of my ability to deal with said pressure. In other words, there was a lot more chocolate ingested in those months!!! Chocolate became my inefficient coping method.
In regards to training, I am now realizing how tough it is going to be to get back what fitness I had lost prior to school. Not to mention, lose the 15 -20 pounds that I gained during grad school (I did mention how mini Twix and Snickers replaced exercise as a stress release those months…). In December I would officially begin my 50-mile training, but will I be ready by then?
I recently finished a 10k race with my older brother, Kevin, on October 14. It was his first 10k race and, though it certainly wasn’t my first, I was nervous that I would not be able to finish it due to lack of running and he was so excited to run this race together. Siblings united. I remember when he “dollnapped” my Cabbage Patch Kid when we were children. I would chase after him, anxiously trying to get my doll back from the clutches of my older brother who sought to antagonize me as many times as he could (Alas, he has matured since then. Ha! Ha! Love you brother!!). Back then the only time we ever ran together were when I was chasing him or vice versa, usually with one of us yelling or threatening to tell mom or dad. This was the first time we would be running towards a common goal together. I couldn’t let him down.
At the start of HB Surf City 10 10K. I may have looked confident, but I was honestly nervous!
He told me his goal was to finish at a 10:30 or 11:00 minute mile pace. No problem. It was a flat, fast course, right??I can manage that. We ran the first mile at a 10:38 minute pace. He was keeping up with no issues so I decided to go a little faster with each mile. I was so proud of my brother! He was smiling and keeping up with the accelerated pace while I, on the other hand, was trying to control my respiratory rate to no avail. I didn’t stop, but I was secretly hoping Kevin would ask for a walk break so I could take a breather without feeling like it was my first 10k instead of the other way around. We ran through the finish line at an 8:47 pace. My brother looked like he could easily run another 6 miles while I looked like I narrowly escaped being in respiratory arrest. I couldn’t believe how hard it was to run a 10k now when I had run a 50 miler in 2016! How quickly one’s fitness fades!
Kevin and I flashing our medals – October 14, 2018
Since that race I have done a few more training runs on the trails. Last Sunday, I tried to run 15 miles with my boyfriend, Chris. We started at Sycamore Canyon trailhead in Whittier, which leads to Sycamore Switchbacks. And, yes, it’s as evil as it sounds. I silently cursed myself for suggesting this trail. While it is not as bad as the 99 switchbacks at Mount Whitney, it is still an exhausting task. At least for me it is. Of course, Chris zoomed past me and I spent most of my time glaring at his back while my pace got slower and slower and slower until I finally reached Rattlesnake Ridge Trail where he was patiently waiting for me, looking unperturbed by the hideous ascent.
Sycamore Canyon Switchbacks (Whittier, CA)
We then proceeded to run (or in my case, hike/crawl) towards Nike Hill to get more mileage. I was beginning to feel like I needed to be institutionalized because who in their right mind would want to do a trail with the word, “hill”, in it after finishing another trail that contained the word, “switchbacks”, in it. Nevertheless, we ran down Nike Hill and I was feeling pretty good at that moment, because, you know, it was downhill as opposed to uphill. Usually, this would be the end of my run and I would be happy to walk to my car across the street, but since this was mile 7 and I had another 8 miles to go (not to mention, my car was parked at another trailhead), I was not in a celebratory mood. Running down Nike Hill meant that I had to hike back up, because I certainly could not run it at this moment. Chris couldn’t run it either, but his legs carried him up quicker than mine. Plus I had to stop and hyperventilate a few times! When will this get easier?
Chris and I taking a photo break (Whittier, CA)
When I finally reached the top of Nike Hill, I knew I was tapped out. I couldn’t make it all the way back to Sycamore. I ran/hiked the best I could through the woodchips. We were heading towards Coyote Trail, which was part of the course I take when doing my 5-mile loop at Hacienda Hills. I knew Coyote Trail was mainly downhill towards the Hacienda Hills trailhead with a few small inclines. I also knew I could cut out 2 miles if I went this way. Some people may call this cheating, but I was thinking along the lines of survival! I told Chris my plan. I would continue on Coyote and wait for him down at the Hacienda Hills trailhead. There was a water fountain and a shaded bench there so I knew I would be ok. He would continue on back towards Sycamore and pick me up afterwards. He agreed and I ran down the familiar trail, dodging hikers and unleashed dogs. I ended up doing a little over 12 miles that day. It was a tough trail run and I was not prepared for the hardship. However, one good thing came out of it…I didn’t trip this time!
I ran my first 10k race, the Dana Point Turkey Trot, back in 2002 I believe. I remember my friend, Mary, and I doing the run/walk method to get there. We picked a tree and ran to it and then walked and ran to another tree. Even came across a flasher one morning! You never know what you will find or see on a run!
After that first race I was hooked. I ran my first half marathon, Surf City, back in 2003, but I had no guidance so I ran it all wrong and ended up pretty sick and discouraged. I ran too fast in the beginning. I couldn’t sustain the pace and quickly burnt out. In addition, I was already sick with a cold, drugged up on DayQuil, and I had the wrong shoes. I quickly learned shoes make all the difference! After that horrible day, a runner customer of mine from Amsterdam Coffeehouse kindly took me to a running store and bought me my first official running shoes and socks. He also gave me the guidance and courage I needed to sign up for my first marathon training program for the 2004 San Diego Rock n’ Roll Marathon. I owe him a lot.
I don’t remember much of that day except feeling terror and excitement as I ran 26.2 miles for the first time with a great group of people I had trained with for months at Huntington Beach. I remember seeing my parents and friend, Christina, supporting me with signs. I remember having to pee out in the open next to a tree with a dozen other runners, both male and female. That was a major accomplishment for me at that time! I remember yelling to my mom as I ran past her at an aid station, “I just peed in a bush!” Probably something my mom did not want to brag about at church. You get used to it during trail runs! I wasn’t fast, but I did it just under 5 hours. My training group and I held hands as we ran through the finish line. What a thrill! I went on to run both LA and Las Vegas marathon in 2006.
Me running San Diego Rock n’ Roll Marathon. 2006.Finish line at LA marathon, 2006
A bad car accident a year or so later, though, left me with excruciating back pain. That and nursing school put my running on hold for awhile. In fact, one doctor told me that I would never be able to run again and to stick to the stationary bike instead after looking at my x-rays. He said I had “degenerative disc disease.” Needless to say I proved him wrong thanks to determination, physical therapy, and acupuncture.
After I graduated nursing school in 2013, I tried something new. I joined an amazing group of people to train for my first triathlon. I learned what I thought was swimming was actually an embarrassing combination of dog pedaling and barely surviving! I didn’t realize swimming would be so difficult! I also learned that cyclists are not cheaters and biking is really hard. It was a humbling experience for me, but it eventually lead me to my first half Ironman in Arizona in 2015. That race was not easy for me. I was worried that I would not make the swim cutoff. However, I ended up proud of my swim and bike time. The run, on the other hand, was not something to brag about. I felt like my legs were tied to bricks and my tri shorts were too binding and I had a bad case of GERD or something. I finished with a time slower than I wanted, but I finished. It was the only race I ever cried at the finish.
Waiting for the swim start with my brother, Keith. Ironman Arizona 70.3, 2015
In that same year, I ran my first 50K, Leona Divide, in April and Bulldog 50K in August. As you can see, 2015 was a busy year for me. I did not prepare myself, as I should have for Leona Divide. I made the mistake of thinking that training and racing the 2015 LA marathon was enough preparation for running my first trail race and ultra. It wasn’t. I wasn’t even properly trained to run a trail race, as I had mainly been running on the street. I probably fell like 4 or 5 times, ending up in the medical tent, which is a strange feeling for a nurse. I remember crying a few times, because I felt like such a failure. I finished, but not in the time I wanted. Bulldog was my redemption race and I am proud to say I did it in about 7 and a half hours.
Leona Divide 50K, April 2015Proud of my medal! Bulldog 50K. August, 2015.
I ran my first 50 miler, Prairie Spirit Trail, in Kansas in 2016. It was done in honor of Alzheimer’s disease and my grandmother who passed away from it. That was a tough run for me. I chose a flat race with a generous cut off time, thinking flat meant easy. Needless to say, I was wrong. I took my time though, making sure I posted at 10-mile intervals so my nursing colleagues did not think I had a heart attack or got trampled by a herd of cows. I finished in a little over 12 hours, but I was definitely hurting. I also suffered from hypoglycemia too at the finish line. My mom was worried, because my speech was slurred and I had other stroke symptoms. Nursing judgment, though, told me I just needed a large coke and French fries. So off to McDonalds we went! What better way to get your blood sugar back up then fast food!
I did it! First 50 miler. April, 2016.
I can’t complain. I have had an adventurous life so far. In addition to trail and road races, I have done a few metric century rides and one century ride while going to grad school. I have hiked Mount Whitney and Half Dome. I also managed to sky dive on my busy schedule! I know there are many runners out there who have done so much more with better times. I don’t claim to be fast. My hope is to inspire more people to claim the outdoors as their gym for mental and physical health. I have met so many wonderful people and friends on this journey! The trail running community is very humble.
I’m excited to see what new adventures are in store for me once I graduate! I have so many visions like group hikes for nurses! Recently I found out that I have a grade II systolic murmur, but my cardiologist has given me full permission to keep going! He said he would be out of business if all his clients were like me! So I will start training December for American River 50 miler and will aim for Salt Flats 100 mile run in 2020. And there is always Grand Canyon Rim to Rim to Rim and a full Ironman. So much to do once I graduate!! I get my life back! Thank you so much for taking the time to read this post!
So here goes…my first post. This isn’t exactly how I imagined it. I had visions of my first post illustrating a gratifying, tough run in Whittier, accompanied by beautiful landscape pictures. That isn’t how my day went. I spent most of my time finishing up my weekly discussion board post for graduate school and struggling to finish up the design of this website while entertaining thoughts of throwing my laptop outside the window out of sheer frustration. My boyfriend, Chris, told me that getting a perfect design before writing a post will not happen. Basically, I was told to stop procrastinating and whining and start writing.
So here I am. I have exactly 30 minutes of free time before I start getting ready for my first night shift of the week. I work tomorrow night too so while everyone is sleeping, I will be working. Hopefully, I will get some sleep between shifts. After Monday, I will have the next 4 days off from work, but 2 of those days will be dedicated to clinical hours. My plan is to go running when I get off work Tuesday morning. It’s not easy to run when you have been up for about 14 hours, but I have to do it. I have a 10k race with my older brother in a few weeks and I’m afraid I’ll be crawling to the finish line due to lack of training. It will be our first race together and he is getting fast!
So yes, I understand how hard it is to exercise when life gets in the way. I have 2 more weeks left of clinicals, which will free up some of my time to go trail running. The real fun begins after I graduate in December. Training promptly begins for American River 50 miler. Bear with me, though. I promise I will get some trail running in before then. Have a great evening and think of us nurses running around at 3 am while everyone else is dreaming!
