When will this get easier? I asked myself that question many times on my trail run today at Bolsa Chica. It was beautiful there like always, but warm and windy. The trail was pretty much deserted so I could enjoy some peace and quiet, which is optimal for an exercise in introspection.
I ran for about a quarter of a mile before stopping to look at the beauty before me. I could pretend that it was said beauty that captured me, forcing me to pause, but I would be lying. I stopped, because I honestly didn’t feel like running. What’s wrong with me?? I ran for another quarter mile. Nope, I didn’t want to continue.
It’s funny, because I started this blog, thinking – no, believing- that I wanted to motivate others to take up running. Today I had a new chain of thought. Maybe the person I needed to inspire most was me.
I have been running for a while. I remember being so proud of myself in high school for running a 7:40 minute mile. As such, I decided to try out for the cross-country team. However, on the day of the tryouts, I couldn’t do it. I was so afraid of rejection that I couldn’t even show up. Self-doubt is our worst enemy. I made up some story to my mom about being sick and that was the end of my running dream in high school. It wasn’t until the year 2001 after I graduated Cal State University Long Beach (CSULB) that I contemplated putting on my running shoes again.
I bring up self-doubt, because that is what I’ve been feeling lately. Will I be ready to run another 50k, let alone 50 miler next year??? So maybe I unconsciously started this blog as a way to motivate myself to return to the activity I love. I stopped running when I injured my back and was studying on a daily basis. Science was never my forte, so I had to work hard to get the A’s in anatomy, physiology, chemistry, microbiology, and pharmacology that would help me get in to nursing school. And then came nursing school itself. Working 40 hours a week while going to nursing school left me little time to workout. It barely left me any sanity! I survived, though, and graduated, albeit 20 pounds heavier and barely able to walk a mile.
Now 5 years later, I find myself in a similar situation. I have less than 2 months of grad school left and I am now 20 pounds heavier again and though I can run more than 1 mile now, it is proving to be more difficult than I thought it would be. Inconsistent training has really affected me, negatively. I find myself stopping too much. I just need to remember that it took time to get to where I was in 2015 and 2016. It took a lot of dedication and diligent, consistent training. Therefore, it will take time again to run like I used to, but hopefully less so. I’m relying on muscle memory and my blog to help me on my journey towards American River 50 miler.
In case you are wondering, I did finish my 4- mile trail run today. And, yes, I made a lot of stops along the way, but I didn’t give up and walk. I finished.
